frustrations are frustrating

on friday, may 21st i moved into a new apartment. almost immediately, i started experiencing cold-like symptoms, and i thought i had gotten some of jamecia’s germs (she stayed w/me that weekend, and she was sniffling). just over two weeks later, and i’m still experiencing “symptoms” only now, instead of just a scratchy throat, i have phlegm all through my chest, sore throat (which means hoarseness), coughing like nobody’s business, headaches, mmm…i think that’s it. all of this with no nasal congestion. i suspected allergies to be the culprit, but where was the nasal congestion? when i was younger i had what the doctor’s called R.A.D. (reactive airway disease). looked like asthma, but wasnt asthma b/c my peak flow was normal. well, it’s back, after 10 years or so, and this time it’s induced by allergens.

i knew there was something in my new place that made my body complain, but i tried to pacify myself with thoughts of “oh, it’s just b/c the vents havent been run since the last occupant,” or “oh, you just have to get YOUR stuff moved in,” or, “well, maybe once i clean everything, it will be fine.” NO. i should really do a better job of listening to my gut instinct. and that which i feared (that there was mold somewhere in my apartment) may be true.

i havent turned my AC on much, b/c it’s been pretty cool (temp.-wise) in my apartment since i’ve moved in. but yesterday, i did. i dont know why (i guess i was thinking, “let me ‘air it out.'”), but i did. and it smelled. really bad. like…moldy kind of stuff. jam came over last night, and she commented that it was stuffy, and i was like, “oh, well, turn the air on.” which made me bring up to her my concerns about the smell. she smelled it, and her face was all she needed to say. YUK!

today i cried. i cried, i guess b/c of the frustration of it all. here i am in a nice apartment (granite countertops, blah blah blah), which i actually like (sure, not as much as my old place, but it’s cool). just moved in not a month ago, and i’ve been looking forward to the day i move out since day…3? so i cried i guess b/c i feel stuck. like my hands are tied behind my back. i dont think there are easy answers here. if i stay, will my health continue to suffer? will it get worse? should i just settle on the idea of living with other growing organisms in my place (i mean, they dont even pay rent!)? and i mean, i JUST moved; just over two weeks ago. and moving is NO joke :(. i’m not feeling this waking up thinking “i cant really breathe” b/c my chest is tight, or sounding like a 62-year-old man when i cough, or these yucky headaches. i’ve already spent about $135 on medicine and other stuff alone, just trying to feel better. but if i leave, i’ll have to move again. rally troops to help again. pack stuff up again. hassle hassle hassle. and who knows if where i move to will be any different (that is if it’s the same complex), or for the same price. *sigh*

so i cried from my place of frustrations. i know God is here with me in the midst of this (and every) situation; i know he sees the end of this; i know a solution to him is no biggie, but man, it really sucks to be frustrated. in my talking to God (in my whiney, little-girl voice), i thought about the victims that i hear from every day…the ones that i cant help b/c of lack of resources, or depleted resources, or whatever, and my heart ached for them. i’m frustrated b/c of mold or whatever allergen there is. but after this lease is up, my life will go back to normal. for them, they have to get through today’s frustrations, and then life is forever different. their loved-one is no longer there, or they are no longer mobile, or no longer have a job or feel safe. i’m trying to stay thankful.

after i talked to the leasing office about the smell of doom, i felt a little better. the lady there didnt guarantee me anything, but it felt good that she just understood where i was coming from, and would try her best to help out. i think i found something i can apply to work.

i dont know why i’m going through this situation–it certainly isnt fun–but i’m trying to keep it all in perspective. i know that God has an all-seeing eye, and that he sees and knows and cares about my every concern. he is God no matter what. period. whatever i’m supposed to learn, or whatever attribute i’m supposed to attain from this “mini-hardship,” i’m trying to not miss it b/c of frustrations.

laila

ps – i’m currently in panera typing this b/c i decided i want to stay out of my apartment as much as possible. trying to cope :). it’s cool. about the video: i realize that this is not a major life storm, but i love this song, and heard it on the radio on the way to panera, and it was wonderful to me.

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4 thoughts on “frustrations are frustrating

  1. hey friend :),

    sorry so late responding to you. yes! this situation has been long resolved. i actually ended up moving out 5 weeks to the day that i moved in. i thought about updating my blog w/this info, but decided against it. since you inquired i think i’ll share a bit more details about it all. i’ll include below my journal entry from june 17, 2010, 4am (i’m a night owl). it’s kinda long, but you’re free to read some or all of it. i hope it encourages you. thanks for stopping through 🙂

    6/17/10 —-Beginning of Entry—-

    just read john 6:28-71. the people asked jesus what they must do to work the works of God. jesus proceeds to tell them that he is the bread of life that came down from heaven, and that all who eat of this bread and drink his blood have eternal life. this was hard for many to receive (particularly b/c jesus makes a parallel b/t himself and the manna that the children of israel ate in the wilderness. jesus says he is the real bread that God sent down). many turn away, never to follow him again, but his disciples say, “to whom shall we go? you have the words of eternal life. also we have come to believe and know that you are the christ, the son of the living God.” (peter says this).

    sometimes God gives us answers and situations that are hard for us to handle and process. we dont like it. nonetheless, all God wants us to do is believe him. trust and obey him. in everything that we go through, it’s on God to show off/demonstrate his power; it’s on us to trust and obey him.

    i’ve been dealing with this apartment situation for the past nearly 30 days. it’s been an ordeal and a real frustration, and really hard to see my way. i dont know the “why” of me going through this , but my prayer has been for me to not miss whatever lesson there is in it for me to learn and for God to help me to trust him throughout.

    the other night (before last) he woke me at about 6am. i fell asleep and he woke me again. i got up out of bed, on my knees and the Spirit spoke clearly to me, “i want you to move out of this apartment.” and that He would show me where to go. the lord spoke so quickly that i felt released to get right back into bed. God speaks to me in different ways, but never quite that clearly.

    since then, there have been challenges of my faith that have caused me to question what i’ve heard. but i know i believe that was the Holy Spirit speaking to me…so clearly. so i started making moves to try to “figure out” how to get out of here. i started packing my things, all in preparation to leave.

    today i called the corporate office to try to get in touch with someone about getting out of my lease. they had the regional manager call me. after we talked, she agreed to “allow” me to transfer properties w/out penalty (ie, w/out paying $400), if i provide 30-day notice (or w/penalty without the 30 days). so i’ll be moving in 30 days.

    who knows what this is preparing me for? but man, it’s been an ordeal! i’ve just been trying to focus on God and trust him whether i see him moving or not. i mean truthfully, where else can i go? he has the words of eternal life. and he is my father that loves me like crazy :). and i adore him.

    in verse 62, jesus said, “it is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. the words that i speak to you are Spirit and they are life.”

    i love that. when the Spirit speaks, the flesh profits nothing and when the flesh speaks, the Spirit profits nothing. throughout all of this i have really been at war within my own self: my flesh, my emotions, my own wants against God’s grace. i’ve just been frustrated. yet trying to trust God’s heart. i’ve still been struggling even after he spoke to me. in my heart of hearts though, i know that God sees my end from my beginning and that his heart is for me. and that his grace really is sufficient to enable me to trust him and keep believing him. thank you jesus! in the grand scheme of life, this may not be the biggest trial that i ever face, but as Jam said, “it’s real to [me].” and i think it being paired with the other situation, and not having a church has me feeling some kind of way. but the fact is that in the Word, and in life, every one who was/is ever “great” in God’s kingdom has had to go through things that work out their perseverance muscle. working your muscles out is a process that is not comfortable. it involves resistance, stress (strain), and your muscles tear. BUT! when your muscles rebuild, they are bigger, and stronger, and can hold more weight. so while this has been horrible for me, i believe and know that when God has worked this out in me, i will be more fit and in shape for the kingdom work he has for me.

    i wrote on my fb status, “i dont always like the answers God gives me, but i always want him to like how i respond to them.”

    laila

    —-End of Entry—-

    again, i moved about a week after that, and didnt have to pay any fees to get out of my lease! 🙂 so yeah, God truly worked it out, and i’m greatful for him speaking to me clearly and for his grace throughout. God bless you!

    laila

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