on friday, may 21st i moved into a new apartment. almost immediately, i started experiencing cold-like symptoms, and i thought i had gotten some of jamecia’s germs (she stayed w/me that weekend, and she was sniffling). just over two weeks later, and i’m still experiencing “symptoms” only now, instead of just a scratchy throat, i have phlegm all through my chest, sore throat (which means hoarseness), coughing like nobody’s business, headaches, mmm…i think that’s it. all of this with no nasal congestion. i suspected allergies to be the culprit, but where was the nasal congestion? when i was younger i had what the doctor’s called R.A.D. (reactive airway disease). looked like asthma, but wasnt asthma b/c my peak flow was normal. well, it’s back, after 10 years or so, and this time it’s induced by allergens.
i knew there was something in my new place that made my body complain, but i tried to pacify myself with thoughts of “oh, it’s just b/c the vents havent been run since the last occupant,” or “oh, you just have to get YOUR stuff moved in,” or, “well, maybe once i clean everything, it will be fine.” NO. i should really do a better job of listening to my gut instinct. and that which i feared (that there was mold somewhere in my apartment) may be true.
i havent turned my AC on much, b/c it’s been pretty cool (temp.-wise) in my apartment since i’ve moved in. but yesterday, i did. i dont know why (i guess i was thinking, “let me ‘air it out.'”), but i did. and it smelled. really bad. like…moldy kind of stuff. jam came over last night, and she commented that it was stuffy, and i was like, “oh, well, turn the air on.” which made me bring up to her my concerns about the smell. she smelled it, and her face was all she needed to say. YUK!
today i cried. i cried, i guess b/c of the frustration of it all. here i am in a nice apartment (granite countertops, blah blah blah), which i actually like (sure, not as much as my old place, but it’s cool). just moved in not a month ago, and i’ve been looking forward to the day i move out since day…3? so i cried i guess b/c i feel stuck. like my hands are tied behind my back. i dont think there are easy answers here. if i stay, will my health continue to suffer? will it get worse? should i just settle on the idea of living with other growing organisms in my place (i mean, they dont even pay rent!)? and i mean, i JUST moved; just over two weeks ago. and moving is NO joke :(. i’m not feeling this waking up thinking “i cant really breathe” b/c my chest is tight, or sounding like a 62-year-old man when i cough, or these yucky headaches. i’ve already spent about $135 on medicine and other stuff alone, just trying to feel better. but if i leave, i’ll have to move again. rally troops to help again. pack stuff up again. hassle hassle hassle. and who knows if where i move to will be any different (that is if it’s the same complex), or for the same price. *sigh*
so i cried from my place of frustrations. i know God is here with me in the midst of this (and every) situation; i know he sees the end of this; i know a solution to him is no biggie, but man, it really sucks to be frustrated. in my talking to God (in my whiney, little-girl voice), i thought about the victims that i hear from every day…the ones that i cant help b/c of lack of resources, or depleted resources, or whatever, and my heart ached for them. i’m frustrated b/c of mold or whatever allergen there is. but after this lease is up, my life will go back to normal. for them, they have to get through today’s frustrations, and then life is forever different. their loved-one is no longer there, or they are no longer mobile, or no longer have a job or feel safe. i’m trying to stay thankful.
after i talked to the leasing office about the smell of doom, i felt a little better. the lady there didnt guarantee me anything, but it felt good that she just understood where i was coming from, and would try her best to help out. i think i found something i can apply to work.
i dont know why i’m going through this situation–it certainly isnt fun–but i’m trying to keep it all in perspective. i know that God has an all-seeing eye, and that he sees and knows and cares about my every concern. he is God no matter what. period. whatever i’m supposed to learn, or whatever attribute i’m supposed to attain from this “mini-hardship,” i’m trying to not miss it b/c of frustrations.
ps – i’m currently in panera typing this b/c i decided i want to stay out of my apartment as much as possible. trying to cope :). it’s cool. about the video: i realize that this is not a major life storm, but i love this song, and heard it on the radio on the way to panera, and it was wonderful to me.